On Letting Go Part 1

I remember this feeling I had growing up that I see alot of people have, and possibly still myself included, that life is just always around the corner. There is always just one thing holding me back from living, that I am so close I just need to accomplish one last thing then life really will begin. Well you end up getting the one thing done some times, and others you dont; but life never really began did it?

I couldn't wait to get to middle school cause then things would be so much different. I couldn't wait to get to high school because it would be a whole new adventure, and I was so sick of middle school. After 4 years, I was ready to get out of high school and get over it all. Then I decided I had to get out of my home town, because life was calling out to me and I couldn't let my town drag me down like so many others. I moved out to the city because life was at every corner waiting, but it seemed always on the corners I could never seem to find. Always a street away from me, I was so frustrated. How many times had I restarted my life, completely thrown away pieces of my life in the name of bettering myself...and for what? I had no real sense of urgency in my life, nothing mattered. Worst of all, I didn't like anyone I had grown up around or trusted minus a literal handful of people. And even those people were in a very serious way not a part of my inner-self.

Flash forward a year.

Sitting on an airplane alone. No one around for a few rows of passengers, and my mp3 player gently whispering as I tried to sleep. I decided to slide open the window and see what my new home would look like from The Female Black God's eye. The Italian highways are hugely different from back home. The main difference is how they look almost like a hot wheels plastic rail on top of dirt in a back yard. I got off the plane, gathered my luggage after a very long passport check (one day I will upload my American passport photo; very bid laden/fat Mexican). Through sliding doors I saw my father, who I had not seen in 4 years or lived with/near in 16. My joy was fairly quickly overshadowed by my sense of mission still be missing. Maybe here? Where my fathers life started and lasted 20 years before his adventure to the US, where I was conceived, away from anything I've ever hated or distrusted. Maybe life was waiting for me this time.