On Letting Go Part 1.5

I feel like the past 2 years have been such a blur, and not because of the hard core partying. It's like I think back to when I was about to turn 18. I was actually facing charges for some vandalism across the home town. Thank god it all went down while I was 17 because as minor as it all ended up, I feel much harsher outcomes might of been a reality.

Then I think forward a little to the day I decided to move out of the house. Yeah I kind of always planned it but didn't really have any basis for the idea aside from some ambition. It was sometime early August (maybe the 4th). I had went to have a little meeting with a friend and we talked and it just seemed like the only solution to a lot of problems. As much as I was ready to move out on my own, the hilarious truth was that I had never used a vacuum or an iron before.

I wasn't intimidated by life on my own or the big city. Of course I remember being super nervous the first few days I had gotten my place in Philly, it wasn't like I was on the north side but still there was a lot of people in the streets at night all cracked out. I figured to myself it was only a matter of time before some shit went down. In reality nothing ever happened (at least while I was actually staying at the apartment), and some of the dealers were decent guys that as long as you didn't get involved with things stayed duggy.

I was going out with this girl at the time and we had a pretty cool relationship. Things seemed better with me being away because it takes any bitterness out of your mouth when you finally see/hear from some one you miss. Eventually she moved in and things took a turn for the worst. I was kind of upset that I had to tell her it might be for the best if she left, I did leave the option to stick around and work things out or even just work things out in general even if she did choose to leave and that was that. I remember I had work the night after she had left and I caught a train and was still pretty blazed from before I left the crib, I felt so much like an adult and at the same time I felt almost as if I was starting again in the child hood I never had.

I had a pretty good few days after that until I had heard that my ex had been cheating on me. I went into crisis lock down mode, you know, when logic just locks its self in its room and the crazy stuff comes out to play in your head. I was so depressed for a week and I just couldn't sleep, I remember feeling a lot of crazy emotions that made me question my own worth. What hurt wasn't what she had done, but that I felt like I had done something wrong. I couldn't explain it but I had this deep sense of "oh man I fucked up, what did I do to deserve this". I got on the phone with my pops one night trying to just vent to some one. I explained how I was feeling to him and he cut me off and said "you keep talking about this like you did something wrong?", and the minute he said it to me I had like a moment of realization. Even if it wasn't worth anything to her it still had been good times for me and I didn't do anything wrong this time with the relationship. I slept like a baby.

I stayed pretty happy for around 2 months until I ended up in another bad relationship. This time I actually had real good chemistry with my girlfriend, but things fell apart after some stuff I really don't want to talk about. I guess it's "ironic" that drug problems always find ways into my life from people I care about, or maybe the word im looking "LOLgay". Anyways, by the time June had came around I felt myself slowly losing control of a life I didn't care about. The funny part is that I was doing better than ever at this point in time, especially with my music. Yet, I was more detached and cold than ever...until I came back.